This was brought to my attention today. It’s a helpful anecdote (from “ScaryMommy”) to teach young girls that–even when they’re completely irresponsible–they shouldn’t be blamed for bad situations:
“When I was a freshman in college, I got very, very drunk at a frat party. So drunk that when my friend and I introduced ourselves to some guys, they asked which one of us was Jen and I didn’t know. One of the guys brought me into an empty bedroom and kissed me. After a minute, I started to panic and told him I wanted to leave. So he stepped aside and let me go. How do I remember this if I was so drunk? Because, as soon as I left that room, I recognized how profoundly lucky I was.
I was drunk. I was in a dangerous situation. But I wasn’t raped that night because that guy wasn’t a rapist.
After college, I moved to New York. Once, after spending a night drinking and smoking pot with some friends, I decided to take the subway home. I got on the F train in the Lower East Side and only needed to take it a few stops to my Brooklyn apartment.
Instead, I passed out. A conductor woke me at Coney Island, the end of the line. Amazingly, no one had touched me.
Even though I was passed out and dressed provocatively, I wasn’t raped because there were no rapists on the subway.
Dangerous situations don’t cause rape. Skimpy clothes don’t cause rape. Alcohol doesn’t cause rape. Drugs don’t cause rape. The only thing that causes rape is a rapist.”
There are a couple things wrong with this story. For one, this woman clearly had a bad relationship with alcohol, which she’s overlooking in order to make a point about “rapists.” I sincerely hope she’s seeking help for her drinking problem. But I’m concerned she may be too distracted with teaching “rapists” how to fight their temptations and ultimately be more self-controlled than she is…
The other problem is thinking that most humans are basically good, and that only a handful of Bad Guys (called “Rapists”) need to be held accountable for making the world a worse place. These Bad Guys are bad, all the way to their core…unlike the skimpy-dressing, pot-smoking party girls, who are still Good Guys despite a few poor choices.
It’s a problem when we use another person’s issues to cover up our own. But I think it will be easier for me to make both of these points if I tell the same story from the man’s perpective.
Tell me if this college boy’s sermon should get an “amen”:
“When I was a freshman in college, I got very, very drunk at a frat party. So drunk that when a friend and I introduced ourselves to some girls, they asked which one of us was Brett, and I honestly didn’t know. One of the girls brought me into an empty room and shoved me down on the bed. I blacked out after that, but I had her panties when I woke up the next morning.
How do I remember, if I was drunk? Because…it scared me knowing a girl I’ve never met before may tell a different story. I was drunk, and I was in a dangerous situation with a total stranger. That would have been the worst night of my life, if that girl was a liar.
After college, I moved to New York. Once, after spending a night drinking and smoking pot with some friends, I decided to take the subway home. I only needed to take it a few stops to my Brooklyn apartment. But, I passed out…
So far, no one has told me I was violent or beligerent on that train. No one has accused me of making sexual remarks to other passengers that I can’t remember.
Maybe I should try running for public office and see if THAT jogs any “memories”…
Haha–no, seriously. Dangerous situations don’t cause false accusations. Alcohol doesn’t cause false accusations. Being an irresponsible man who can’t remember huge chunks of his life doesn’t cause false allegations. The only thing that causes a false allegation is A LIAR…”
Does my little anecdote make it easier to see the truth and the falsehood of this logic?
Sure–liars are responsible for lies.
But when people regularly, unapologetically shut down parts of their brains and rub against people they barely know, can we really pick just one person to “blame” for miscommunication…poor decisions…and conflicting memories?
Why should I believe that a woman’s drunken recollections are more reliable than a man’s?
Here’s the bad news for girls who lived wild college years: you only want to talk about “rapists” because you think your alcoholism is better. Maybe you assume your drunken sexual behavior is kind of cute and fun? (Of course, you can’t remember for sure.)
But all of your rationalizing and justification can’t convince me that you would NEVER do, say, or remember anything wrong while under the influence. You’re trying too hard to convince the world that there’s a huge difference between black-hearted rapists and college girls who are full of sugar and spice.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Evolution didn’t create Bad Guys (them) and Good Guys (Us).
The truth is that Monsters lie dormant inside every one, and they’re constantly pointing their hairy fingers at others.
Some monsters really like sex.
Some monsters like attention.
And some monsters really like the power that comes from playing the victim.
(Many monsters like all three.)
It’s very difficult to defeat the arrogant, self-focused, holier-than-thou Monster, even with full strength and sober judgment. But it’s almost impossible to chain that beast when you spend every weekend drinking away your senses and making excuses for it.
Girls–get help for your partying problems. And stop believing the lying Monster who tells you that drunk boys still have more responsibility for their bad behavior than you do.
You’re both being stupid. Clean it up.