Monthly Archives: December 2017

Husbands are Idiots

My husband is an idiot…

…but I’m a stay-at-home mom, so I’m allowed to say that, I guess?

When stay-at-home moms get stressed, they need to “vent.” And venting may include being disrespectful toward their partners, without judgment.

At least, that’s the message I’ve gotten in various online “Mommy Groups.”

12.22.17 Moms Need to Vent (edit)

My sister-in-law is expecting her first baby, so she’s getting her first tastes of the “mom group” culture.  It’s not always a pretty sight when a bunch of bored women get together in the name of “supporting” whatever weird, thoughtless, or downright selfish thing pops into another mom’s head.

It’s literally impossible to support EVERYBODY.  So–in these Mommy Groups–the support goes to the women who say/do what the administrator approves. 

Anyone who asks an unpopular question or, Heaven forbid, calls out another member will quickly have her “support” revoked.  (In other words, the person doing the calling-out will be called out.)

My sister-in-law had her support revoked when she called out the Husband Bashing.  This commenter explained that she broke the rules:

12.22.17 Moms Need to Vent (#2) (edit)

Now, understand what’s happening here.

It’s not against the rules to say rude things about husbands, behind their backs…

But it IS against the rules to “shame” another woman, or say something that might hurt her feelings.

Here’s an official list of Group Guidelines which are very, very common.

12.22.17 Moms Need to Vent (#3)

“Drama” is another one of those words you’ll come across a lot.  The women causing the so-called drama aren’t the ones making jokes about their husbands being incompetent.

The women causing the “drama” are the ones who think they’ve crossed a line.

So, once again, if a woman says something rude about her husband, where he can’t read it, that’s okay…because she needs to vent.

But, if a woman posts (direct quote) “I’m not sure I want to be part of this,” then she has broken the rules. She made the other women feel like it’s not safe to say whatever they want!

It seems the chief rule of being a Mother in America these days is: Thou Shalt Act as if Your Fellow Mothers NEVER Do Anything Wrong.

Ladies–this is why we need good, honest friends who hold us to higher standards. 

(I wrote about how we actually need MORE judgment in this post, and I got a lot of unexpected “amens” for it!)

We desperately, desperately, desperately need to get out of this crazy loop where our girlfriends encourage our worst behavior, by calling it “support.”  We need women who don’t let us get away with “venting” when it inevitably crosses a line into gossip or slander.

We need friends who will remind us that feeling shame or embarrassment about things we said/did in private probably means we need to change what we’re saying and doing!

That’s the kind of Supportive Mom Group I can get behind.

Guidelines:

-Speak the truth, in love.

-Care for one another…care enough to say something that might be unpopular.

-Have thick skin, but an open mind.

——-

What do you think? Is that too much to ask?

(*sigh*)  Maybe it IS too much.  Maybe our culture simply is too confused about what “bashing and shaming” mean…

12.22.17 Moms Need to Vent (#4) (edit)

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Battered Man Syndrome (Or, “Women Aren’t Happy Because of Men”)

If a woman tells you her ex-husband left her because she was a “bad wife” and didn’t give him enough sex, how would you respond?

…Personally, I don’t have a problem with people taking ownership for their role in a dysfunctional relationship.

But, I have a feeling most Americans would be reeeeeeally uncomfortable with the idea that it’s the woman’s fault when her husband leaves. 

So why do we love articles in which abandoned men blame themselves?

There’s this article, where a man confesses he should have done the dishes more.

And this article (by the same guy), where he calls himself a “shitty husband” because he didn’t care about “the little things.”

I’ve also seen different versions of this article being posted and going viral on social media for several years now:

 

In all of these examples, the man focuses on HIS weaknesses and HIS selfishness…only to conclude that he deserved being left (though none of them were actively abusive toward their ex-wives).

“I was a shitty husband.

And it’s not because I’m a massive jerk, or abusive, or particularly difficult to get along with…

I thought because I was a nice person, and that I’d made sacrifices for her, that I was a good husband. I thought because I didn’t do a bunch of bad things some guys do that I was a good husband. I didn’t realize it until much too late: Good men can be bad husbands...

I tell my story so that maybe other people won’t get divorced like me.”

Again, I’m not opposed to men (and women!) being open about things they’ve done wrong.  

I’m glad there are men who try to understand the perspective of their ex-wife, even after it’s “too late” and their exes are now remarried to the type of men they’d always fantasized about…

(Okay. A little tongue-in-cheek there. But, really, taking personal responsibility is good.)

If you’re someone who cheers when both men and women take personal responsibility, then you and I are on the same page!

But if you’re the kind of person who thinks it’s somehow different when a woman says, “I should have made the effort to see how important sex was to him!” then we’ve got a double-standard to address. 

All of these articles were brought to my attention during a conversation with several women who believe it’s valid for women to divorce their husbands if they’re not happy.

Not because he hit her.  Not because he was maliciously neglectful. But because he doesn’t make them feel a certain way.  (If you have a lot of time on your hands, you can read the original conversation here.)

It started when Matt Walsh recorded a live video discussing how women can–intentionally or unintentionally–wear down their husbands and destroy a marriage.  One of his commenters (Whitney) wrote: “Let’s put the focus on what men do to destroy their marriages, because women are usually the unsatisfied ones wanting a divorce.”

I thought she was joking at first because I couldn’t believe someone would say that women-leaving-men is a sign that MEN are doing something wrong…?

But, after some rabbit trails, she confirmed yes:

“Men do stuff like chronically not listening, not being courteous, not carrying their weight around the house, not being open to their wife’s influence, etc. All while thinking they’re good men and good husbands. These things destroy a relationship over time… then men are dumbfounded when the woman just doesn’t want to put up with it…”

So, what do you think, Reader?  Are those good reasons for divorcing someone you promised to love “for better or worse?”

And–if so–would you also agree if I said, “Women do stuff like chronically nagging, thinking they get to define what counts as ‘equal work,’ making their feelings more important than their husband’s, and refusing sex. These things destroy a relationship, but women are dumbfounded when a man just doesn’t want to put up with it [and leaves].”

Is that okay?

Again, if the love and respect thing goes both ways, then we don’t have a problem.  But the ladies with whom I was speaking yesterday just could not accept that expecting chores and expecting sex are exactly the same.

The women kept gushing over the articles (written by men) which validated their feelings that chores are symbols of respect:

12.14.17 Women Want Total Control (Dishes)

So I wanted to find out whether the 4-5 women in the thread ALSO have “acquired the ability to examine themselves” and validate their husbands’ feelings about sex?

I asked, “What would you say if the articles were written by a woman…about how [the divorce] was her fault for ‘learning these lessons too late?'”

I only got one response, and it was very long and rambling. But I’ve highlighted the important stuff:

12.14.17 Women Want Total Control (edited)

Here’s what I got from that comment: Women always have good reasons for refusing their husband’s requests.

When a man won’t do what his wife wants, it’s because he won’t make the effort to understand her feelings. But, when a woman won’t do what her husband wants, it’s still the man’s job to put himself in her shoes and understand her feelings.

For some women (like those I spoke with yesterday) it’s ALWAYS about her perspective and her thought-process and her interpretation of what’s happening.

It’s selfishness. And it’s really, really hard to be married to someone like that, regardless of whether it’s the husband or the wife.

The bitter man would be bitter whether or not his wife had sex with him. (She’s just a convenient scapegoat.)

But, likewise, the bitter woman isn’t bitter because she really works harder than everyone else on the planet.  She’s bitter because she tells herself she’s not getting what she deserves.

I respect any person–male or female–who focuses on his/her personal responsibility to consider others instead of feeling sorry for themselves.