Let’s Talk About Sex

Yeah… “rape culture” exists.  I’m finally willing to admit it.

As person after person after person comes forward to accuse various politicians or Hollywood celebrities of different types of sexual misconduct, it’s clear:  there’s a problem in the culture.

George Takei may have groped a male model.

Richard Dreyfuss may have exposed himself to an actress.

Kevin Spacey may have touched an 18-year-old inappropriately.

This helpful New York Times article details 23 different men (omitting the women) who have been “accused of everything from inappropriate text messages to rape.”

So, if calling this problem “rape culture” gives us some common ground from which to build, then fine.  Let’s start there.

—–

Our country has a rape problem…but I don’t think that’s the root.  

It seems obvious to me that our real issue is with “Casual Sex Culture.”

There is very, very little difference between a fun and crazy memory of a one-night stand–and a night filled with regret because the other person didn’t pick up the “fun” part of the craziness.

I mean, imagine this:

An attractive, young protagonist goes to get a massage after a long day.  The hero is stressed and conflicted by something serious, and he wants to spend some time relaxing.  Luckily, the man doing his massage knows exactly how to take his mind off his troubles…

If this is a movie scene, we know where this is going, right?  Probably John Travolta has done a few scenes just like this, in front of the camera, for lots of money!

A few years ago, a massage therapist who claimed to specialize in “more than massage” said John Travolta was one of his customers.   So…why are we surprised that Travolta is being accused by another masseur of “groping” and “exposing himself” and “making lewd suggestions?”

Why is Travolta in trouble this time, for trying to recreate what was perfectly acceptable in another case?

A wise young person will ask himself: when is it okay to live out movie fantasies, and when does it run the risk of becoming a night that I’ll regret?

The answer is:   You run that risk every time.   Every time.

Whenever you have some sort of sexual encounter with another person, you are taking a risk that you’ll be in a different frame of mind. (And, yes, that includes sexy text messages.)

You might be more eager…more enthusiastic…more interested than the person you’re propositioning.

And, if you’re even slightly more eager than the other person, it’s possible that a police officer or judge or jury might call what you did “rape.” 

The more people you include in your living fantasies, the more you’re putting your reputation into their hands.  Someday, it could be their word against yours.

Of course, this is the point where I have to clarify that not all cases of rape are complicated. Furthermore, not everybody who accuses someone of sexual misconduct is simply regretting what they consented to do at first.

I’m not saying that massage therapists should expect to have their butts touched by celebrities.  Obviously.

What I AM saying is that we can’t have “casual, judgment-free” sex AND fight rape culture at the same time. 

Sex can’t be both a recreational activity between ANY TWO ADULTS, and also something that can completely ruin your life if/when one of those adults remembers the details differently.

There’s nothing “casual” about that kind of relationship.

There’s nothing fun and judgment-free about government officials “investigating” what happened when you were naked.

It’s not fun and judgment-free when all of America debates whether you’ve crossed some arbitrary line between kinky and criminal.

“Well, they didn’t say no!”

“But they didn’t say ‘yes’ enthusiastically and repeatedly!”

“Yet…he didn’t touch the other person!”

“Right, but he was exposing his penis.”

“Okay, but he asked first!”

“No one in a ‘position of power’ should EVER ask a question like that…”

Stop.

Just stop.

It’s very simple.

Sex isn’t casual.

It’s serious and deeply emotional and life-changing and complicated, and that’s why it shouldn’t ever involved strangers or near-strangers.

If you’re not married to the person in question, just assume they DON’T want to see your genitalia.  And, even if they’re literally begging you to get naked, you still should walk away.

“So now, my sons, listen to me. Never stray from what I am about to say: Stay away from her! Don’t go near the door of her house! If you do, you will lose your honor…
Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets having sex with just anyone?
You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers.”

People shouldn’t be having conversations about whether an acquaintance wanted to see you naked or not.   

Sex is for married couples.  That’s it.

Until we stop trying to draw ridiculous, blurry lines between casual “hook-ups” and criminal “sexual misconduct,” our problems will only get worse… with more broken hearts sacrificed on the alter of physical gratification.

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19 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex

  1. Marla Branyan

    “But I’m a sexual human being and I have needs….”

    Eye roll.

    I love this post! Sex does more harm than good when not in a marriage setting. It IS just that simple. 👏🏽

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. mrsmcmommy Post author

      It’s what I’ll teach my kids! 🙂 Sure, mistakes may be made.
      But I want them to know they’re playing with fire, so (at the very least) they’re not surprised when it burns. Fire is warm and comforting–but you don’t want it creeping out of the fireplace! 🙂

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  2. insanitybytes22

    There are a lot of sticky wickets going on, aren’t there?

    I slipped into this mess through a side door, trying to argue with some fems that marital rape laws are taking it too far. We already have assault laws, and laws against abuse, so morally and legally you already cannot hurt or rape your spouse. But to insist on consent even within marriage, is to make a real mess of things. Marriage is consent! And non marriage is non consent. That’s why people are sleeping with people they don’t even like, for reasons they can’t even fathom, and then wondering, wait did I even consent to any of this?

    So,one should be able to, ahem, take advantage of one’s own sleeping or half intoxicated spouse, without facing legal repercussions. Trying the precise same thing with a random stranger you just met, can mean something entirely different. That is one reason why we have the concept of marriage as consent, non marriage as non consent. Not suggesting we prosecute the promiscuous, just pointing our how convoluted it can all get when we decide to just chuck the whole design and try doing it all our way.

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    1. mrsmcmommy Post author

      Yep, I agree. Being “taken advantage of” by someone I’ve agreed to spend my life serving? How does that work, exactly? What’s his is mine and what’s mine is his. That was the agreement!

      I don’t have the same agreement with anyone else. NO ONE ELSE!

      But wouldn’t it be nice if this were the only conversation we were having with other members of our confused culture? Wouldn’t it be nice if we weren’t ALSO discussing the reasons why a 15-year-old who “consents” is just as off-limits as your boss’ wife, who also “consents.” And nobody you just met should be touching your privates, no matter how old they are…?

      Ugh.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
      1. Loren

        Don’t you think, though, that rape CAN happen in a marriage? That if you say “no” very clearly, and they physically pin you down and force themselves on you…just because it’s your spouse, THAT’s not rape?

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      2. mrsmcmommy Post author

        I can’t figure out why someone would force themselves on their spouse… I also can’t figure out why a spouse would say “no” and put their foot down like that. In a God-honoring marriage, neither would happen.

        When we start thinking of it in terms of two people, learning to serve each other, it seems like an issue they need to work out with a wise counselor…not the police.

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      3. jamerican123

        While I agree with most of your comment, I think the fact that you state that you can’t figure out why someone would force themselves on their spouse makes me feel like you live in a bubble. In a perfect world, in a perfect, Godly marriage, yes, this would seem impossible. Sadly, there are scant few of those these days. Men come home drunk. Men come home on drugs. Men come home on power trips. Men come home from the bed of another woman. Are you telling me that you would hop in the sack willing with them? And if you declined, and they held you down and did it anyway, you’d be fine with that? Sometimes, we close our eyes to the reality of the hurting world around us. And I’ve lost two friends who “went to a counselor instead of the police.” It saddens me that you can obviously have a grasp on the damaging effects of “free sex” and yet not comprehend “free will.”

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      4. mrsmcmommy Post author

        Thanks for reading! I never said it didn’t happen. I said I couldn’t figure out WHY.
        In the cases of your examples, I also can’t figure out WHY someone would use their freewill to get drunk or shoot drugs…
        I am aware that those cases exist. But, first of all, they’re often brought up in these conversations as side issues. (There are also cases of frigid women denying their bodies to their husbands, for power. I’ve done that.)
        So, I’m trying to honestly deal with the consequences of human choices–including the free, human choice I made to give my body to another person for the rest of my life…

        The point of the post was: if sex is this complicated and life-changing even between two people who have made a lifelong commitment, then it shouldn’t be used “casually.” There’s nothing casual about sacrifice.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. jamerican123

        Agreed. I just felt that your post implies that a woman has no right at all to say no within a marriage. One would hope she had no cause, however, in my previous marriage it became a case of saying no or catching STD’s. Don’t get me wrong, we had plenty of sex (and I have ten children that prove it) because the Christian community seems to have this idea that if you give your husband enough sex, he won’t stray. After our divorce, my ex told me that he did it because it was his choice and, in his words, “I would’ve cheated on you even if you were standing on your head spitting nickels.” That said, his depravity was born out of the teachings of his own father that “men are here to conquer women.” It was a voice he still hears in his head today, despite having been “a Christian” for 40+ years. Did he ever pin me down and force me? No. But that didn’t keep me from walking away feeling very violated. Thanks for your candid post! More people need to understand the complexity of sex.

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      6. mrsmcmommy Post author

        Perhaps, in a way, all of us live in bubbles, Some of our bubbles are full of selfish, dominating men. And some of our bubbles contain selfish, dominating women. 🙂

        I have no trouble admitting that my perspective is colored by the number of women in my life who demand the world revolve around them… and also by the fact that my husband wants BOTH of us to enjoy our sex life and would never force me to do something I didn’t want to do because it wouldn’t be fun for him, either.

        The conversation about what “rights” husbands/wives have in marriage is an interesting one. (I’m not sure women have a “right” to say no any more than men have a “right” to demand. I think focusing on our rights is part of the problem in the first place…) But it’s a hot-button issue with lots of raw emotions attached to it. At the very least, I will say that couples don’t talk about these things enough BEFORE they make their vows. I would love to see young people spend more time dealing with the sticky What-Ifs of EXACTLY what we mean by “better or worse” and “sickness and health,” instead of waiting until there’s a crisis to decide what they promised! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      7. jamerican123

        I’m going to share some of your wisdom on “casual sex” with my readers. I write about life in Jamaica…more churches per capita than anyplace on earth…with one of the highest illegitimacy and absentee father rates in the world. They just don’t see the connection between casual sex and destruction.

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  3. insanitybytes22

    “That if you say “no” very clearly, and they physically pin you down and force themselves on you…just because it’s your spouse, THAT’s not rape?…”

    Something I think people forget, that’s actually assault. Unlawful imprisonment, domestic violence. There are probably six charges we could file already,charges far easier and less traumatic to try to prove than rape.. So it is not as if we have left victims completely unprotected.

    Also,in a Christian marriage that believes in one flesh, and in honoring God, you’re not going to see that kind of resistance or that kind of force. Most married men, the majority probably, are not interested in forced, undesired sex. So the very idea that we have to make rape in marriage illegal in order to prevent men from raping their wives, is kind of tragic.

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  4. steveyouthguy

    The illustration that sex is like fire… in its proper place (ie. fireplace) is really enjoyable… outside its proper place burns the house down…. (ie.. Hollywood, and DC is burning)

    Like

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