If you’re a woman who has been in Male Rights Activist spaces, then you’ve probably experienced a specific, often unspoken ground rule: There’s no room for “Lady Tears” in this space.
This sort of rule is instilled because, in other spaces, your emotions are constantly centered, nurtured, and coddled when it comes to conversations about gender equality.
Rather than focusing on how feminism is inherently unequal (and the lived experiences and traumas of men raised with Feminist values), the focus is placed on the host of emotions that women go through when confronted with this anti-male reality.
As an Evangelical male, I’m a pretty big fan of the “No Lady Tears” rule.
It’s nice to be in spaces where I can feel free to say what I want and talk about complex systems of male oppression without having to worry about the feelings of the women in the room.
Below is a list of some of the ways that you ladies can avoid centering yourselves in conversations about gender:
1. Pause Before Contributing to the Conversation
I had this one lady at my church who would constantly send me links to explicit videos, photos, and commentary about injustice toward boys/men.
Sometimes, she would add her own two cents to these links, saying things like “OMG! Isn’t this terrible!” and “My aunt is a radical feminist who mocked this video.”
I finally had to tell her to stop sending me links because I didn’t need to see them.
I was already aware of what’s going on, and even if I wasn’t, I didn’t need to hear her commentary. What my friend thought she was doing was showing solidarity with me by starting conversations about Men’s Rights. She wanted to show me that she actively condemned violence against men and boys.
But what she was actually doing was making me vastly uncomfortable and making me wonder why she felt the need to constantly prove how not-sexist she was.
I know that women do this in order to prove that they’re “good female allies,” but it comes off as patronizing.
What you need to do is understand that your voice does not always need to be heard. Part of female supremacy as a larger system is the idea that females have been oppressed for generations–so now they are more “objective” authorities of what’s happening in the culture.
This kind of socializing can – and does – carry over even for women who sympathize with the Male Rights Movement. Remember that while your experiences shape your worldview, they’re not the most important experiences in the room.
2. Check the Other Women in the Room
A female ally shared something I had written about male suicide on her Facebook page, which I was definitely okay with.
What I wasn’t okay with, however, was when one of her female friends replied with, “Well, I don’t think that’s correct, my opinion is…” I waited a few hours for my friend to call out this Feminist for the many harmful, reductive things she wrote, but that never came.
I know it’s “just” Facebook, but I’m gonna be real: I felt hurt and betrayed.
In that moment, all I could think was: Oh, so you agree with me to my face, but you can’t even defend me or check your Feminist friends?
The thing is, as a woman, you have to constantly educate other women.
If you are truly committed to EQUALITY for the sexes, standing up to Feminists must be part of your everyday life.
While you might have to have an uncomfortable conversation for a few minutes, we men have to deal with misandry for the rest of our lives.
3. Excuse Yourself If You’re Having Strong Emotions
A few months ago, I was having a conversation in a group of both males and females. We had been discussing child custody–and specifically fathers whose children were stolen or aborted by mothers taking advantage of a biased family court system.
Many of the men in the room were having a very difficult time. It was a hard-but-healing kind of conversation. That is, until one of the women in the room began to cry.
Suddenly, the tone of the conversation shifted. Half of the men in the room went to comfort her. The other half, myself included, rolled our eyes, crossed our arms, and completely tuned the discussion out.
The only thing going through my mind was, Why do we have to deal with her right now? She took a conversation that predominately affected the men in the room and made it about her Lady Tears.
As a woman in a Father’s Rights conversation, if you find yourself having a strong emotional reaction, excuse yourself from the situation.
It should not be anyone’s place to have to comfort you when you’re confronted with your own Female Supremacy.
I know this is all hard stuff to process.
But these are small, tangible steps that you as a woman can take to continue your work against misandry.
It’s important to recognize that anti-feminist work is always going to be hard. It will make you uncomfortable, and that’s okay. This is all a part of a true liberation process.
Note: if this letter offends you, please click on the link to see where I copied it from, HERE. If you’re put off by an Evangelical male who hates “lady tears,” but you’re okay with a black woman who hates “white tears,” then I’d love to know why.