Since most of us have already settled on the candidate for whom we will be voting tomorrow, the only thing to do now is pad our minds with the pertinent propaganda, so we can reassure ourselves that we’ve made the right choice.
With that in mind, I’ve compiled this helpful list especially for my fellow Christians who want to feel secure that they’ve voted for God’s man (or woman).
Read and feel justified in your decisions, my friends!
If you’re voting for Trump, you’ll want to meditate on the fact that nobody is perfect. (Nobody is perfect! Nobody is perfect! Nobody is perfect!) You don’t have to pick a savior here; just pick a politician. (Hold your nose; that’s Franklin Graham’s advice.) Vote for the platform that you’ve always supported, regardless of who stands on it. Everybody knows: when some character runs as a Republican, then Conservatish things are bound to happen. Right? Right! Maybe get that printed on a T-shirt. Furthermore:
If you’re voting for Hillary, then you’re probably familiar with Rachel Held Evans and Eric Sapp already. (Boy, those two could sell fleas to a dog, couldn’t they? Such talent!) But, even if you’ve already read these pieces, make sure your friends see them, too. Other people need to know that Hillary is the ONLY choice that is truly justifiable from a Christian perspective:
Sapp argues that Hillary’s email scandal shows what a great person she is.
Evans explain how a Pro-Choice candidate is actually the most Pro-Life candidate.
(Wait, Sapp wrote about Pro-Choice being Pro-Life, too! …just in case you need to hear that perspective several times before it makes a lick of sense.)
Aaaaaaand, if you still don’t feel totally at peace, just repeat “making history” or “First female President” to yourself. Go ahead and have that printed on a T-shirt.
If you’re not voting at all, here’s your applicable manifesto.
Is everybody set?
Everybody got your T-shirts?