Monthly Archives: August 2015

Dear Daughter, Please Don’t Burn Your Spouse

Dear Daughter,

I want you to know what other women are telling their girls…and I want you to know it’s very different from what I’ve been teaching you.

Other women are scared their daughters will be walked on and disrespected. They’re afraid their young ladies will be mistreated and won’t have the “strength/courage” or “self-worth” to shout and fight.

But I’ve seen the spirit you were born with–the beauty and the beast both vying for your heart–and I know the greatest struggle facing all humans is not the struggle against other humans.  It’s the struggle for self-control. 

You are strong and fiercely independent–it’s true! And that’s what the World wants me to preach in your ear every, single day.  They don’t recognize it can have a downside…

The World seems to believe, if I do a good enough job empowering you with self-esteem, then you won’t ever have your heart broken by a cheating man.

Or, at least, if a man does prove unfaithful, you’ll have the power and strength to make him grovel:

Parents, WE MUST DO BETTER BY OUR DAUGHTERS. Boys, men, are born with power. [But] girls have to command it for themselves… But you have to teach them to do it… Educate them. Empower them. Give them the tools they need to survive, on their own if they must. Josh Duggar should be cowering in fear of Anna Duggar right now. Cowering. He isn’t, but he should be. He should be quaking in fear that the house might fall down around them if he’s in the same room as she. Please, instill your daughters with the resolve to make a man cower if he must.

At whatever point you’re reading this letter, it doesn’t matter who Josh and Anna Duggar are. Suffice it to say that they’re married and Josh messed up…

…multiple times…

in very big, inexcusable ways.

And, yes, Anna has every right to be angry–on her own behalf and on behalf of their children. (Because, as is always the case when a husband/father chooses selfishness, it has damaged the entire family in immeasurable ways.)

But, because they’re professing Christians, the story has gotten an extra dose of attention.  Because of their faith and values, the World relishes in putting an extra spin on the problem, blaming their families and upbringing for the entire scandal:

“Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. Anna Duggar was taught that her sole purpose in life, the most meaningful thing she could do, was to be chaste and proper, a devout wife, and a mother. Anna Duggar did that!… She lived up to the standard that men set for her…”Be this,” they told her. She was. It wasn’t enough.

Her beliefs, the very thing she would turn to for comfort in this kind of crisis, are the VERY REASON she is in this predicament in the first place. How can she reconcile this? Her parents have utterly, utterly failed her…

As for my girls, I’ll raise them to think they breathe fire.”

—–

You’re in a tough spot, my love, and I admit I’m the one who put you here. No matter what kind of marriage and family you build for yourself, you will be judged harshly.

If your husband loves you, and if your kids are basically well-behaved and successful, you will be told you got lucky.  It’s not how hard you’ve worked and certainly not because your values are good ones.

You are just rich, white, and privileged.

But if something bad happens–if, Heaven forbid, the man you love proves to be a cheating loser–well, it’s because of everything you believe about God and family.

If you’ve chosen to marry young,

If you decided against a paper diploma,

and if you haven’t at least flipped some burgers for a year or two,

then you’re helpless with “no life experience.”

(Note: knowing how to cook, sew, care for children, and manage a household don’t count as smart, valuable decisions to a fire-breathing woman.)

So, obviously, if you choose to bide your time…to patiently seek guidance and take slow steps and pray for wisdom before “breathing fire” and burning the man you vowed to love–then you’re weak.

And your religion is worthless.

And it will be largely my fault. 

You’re in a lose-lose situation, sweetheart.

———

So: my advice to you is, don’t give too much weight to what your pro-divorce friends say.

You know those women who are always talking about their own value, and how their worthless exes didn’t measure up? The ones sharing inspirational quotes about never settling because of how awesome they are?

You know the ones who think self-assurance means making a man fear your wrath?

Yeah, don’t listen to those dragons.

Instead–PLEASE–have the wisdom to learn the difference between strength and chest-thumping.

Yes, you know how to breath fire.  But, just as I pray you’re never burned by your husband, I pray you never relish the chance to burn him, either. 

I’m not worried about whether you’ll be hot and angry enough.

I know you were born with a very loud voice and a robust sense of self-interest. (As far as the World is concerned, you have nothing to change.)

But it’s not “powerful” to let loose with every natural urge, whenever it wants to go wild.

It takes real strength to cage the beast within.

When you’re hurt and angry and betrayed–and when your “friends” are behind your back, whispering about how you’re a doormat because they don’t get why you won’t join their Single Ladies Club–and when you’re misunderstood as some backward Fundamentalist–and when your entire family and community and RELIGION will be criticized unless you “prove” you’re not brainwashed by unleashing your tongue and burning your husband to the ground…

…to choose instead to treat someone with the love they don’t deserve takes REAL courage and strength.

———-

Through the grace of God, you can do it, my love.  You can keep pouring yourself out when you think there’s nothing left to give. You can show patience and kindness and restraint, when your entire being screams for revenge.

And you will discover a strength that fire-breathing beasts have never known.

Even if no one else understands, I’ll be here for you. Cheering for you.

If there’s ever a time–no, when the time comes–that you have to suffer unfairly for the sake of someone you love, I’ll fight beside you in the thick of it.

Together we’ll take all our energy–all our womanly power and strength and courage–and we will burn away all our selfish desires, until nothing but hard-fought love remains.

I’m so proud of you, baby girl.

-Mom

———-

“This you know, my beloved brethren, but everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger…”

A REAL Servant Would Vote Democrat

I’ll be referencing this article today, but don’t bother clicking on it.

It’s just another sad attempt to direct attention away from the horrible actions being exposed within Planned Parenthood, by pointing fingers at Republicans for being “hypocrites” who don’t really care about life.

The most important quote is this:

“I do not believe that just because you’re opposed to abortion, that that makes you pro-life. In fact, I think in many cases, your morality is deeply lacking if all you want is a child born but not a child fed, not a child educated, not a child housed. And why would I think that you don’t? Because you don’t want any tax money to go there. That’s not pro-life. That’s pro-birth. We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is.”

Got that?

You’re only moral if you vote to send tax money to specific places…

“The Republican Party and right-wingers care nothing for the child once it is born. They cut funding from the public schools that would teach the child… They refuse to raise the [minimum] wages of its parents… They cut funding from food stamps…”

So, there you have it.

If you truly wanted to save babies, then you would demand for the government to spend even more money it doesn’t have…

..and support programs that aren’t really solving anything.

…because that’s real charity.

Being charitable means voting for Democrats. And if you won’t support the government model of charity–then you’re doing advocacy wrong. Period.

It kind of reminds me of the Pharisees and Judas, who were upset with the woman who used her perfume “wrong” when she washed Jesus’ feet.

Allow me to retell the story…

—–

I’ve been a follower of Jesus from the first miracle I saw Him perform, so I’m very familiar with His teaching…

Many say He’s a friend of sinners and an advocate for the poor.

That’s why I decided to speak up, the day Mary made a big scene out of washing the feet of Jesus with an expensive bottle of perfume.

If Mary really understood Jesus’ mission, then she would have sold the perfume and given the money to the poor. He commands His disciples to be servants, just as He has modeled servanthood. So I tried to explain that to Mary.

“I do not believe that just because you’re washing Jesus’ feet that you’re pro-Service. In fact, I think your morality is deeply lacking if all you want is to serve Jesus–instead of caring about poor people at the same time. And why would I think that you don’t care? Because you pour perfume on Jesus’ feet instead of making a large donations to Caesar, to do good things with it. You’re not pro-Service. You’re pro-Foot-Washing! We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of being a servant is.”

It’s a shame that Mary’s stunt has gotten so much publicity, because she really only knows a a tiny bit about serving Jesus. She doesn’t know how complicated it is for those of us who REALLY want to please Him.

If only it were as easy as breaking an expensive bottle without much thought…

If only it were as easy as carelessly focusing on Jesus, instead of intentionally considering the others in the room…

Yet what would happen if ALL of us completely ignored the less fortunate, like Mary did?

What this woman did is not the Christian way, and it is an absolutely atrocious disregard of human potential.

The poor deserve better than to be ignored and disenfranchised by the self-righteous ladies who want to flaunt their perfume in front of Jesus, rather than use it to make the world better.

This incident with the perfume is a lot like what happened last time Mary chose the lazy way, instead of accepting the chance to serve others. While her sister, Martha, slaved away in the kitchen, Mary once again chose to be near Jesus. Martha is a hard-working, servant-minded woman. But, apparently, Mary never thinks from other people’s perspective. Ever.

Mary isn’t pro-Service.

She’s just pro-Jesus.

And pro-Jesus people don’t seem to realize that the poor need money more than they need anything else.

—-

Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me…”  –Jesus

“Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” –Jesus